Another Day Another Alien
by wannie822
Summary: A silly parody about Torchwood. I made sure to mock every character on the show. R&R.
1. Chapter 1

Another Day Another Alien

Rated: T for later chapters.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Note: I was kind of bored when I wrote this story and the computer I was using to type it had a few busted keys, so please excuse any words that run together.

Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police. A little below the marines though. But cooler than the men in black. Tracking down alien life on earth and having sex with stuff. The 21st century is when everything changes...everything except my coat of course.

Jack Harkness entered the hub.

"Ok, team. Theres a alien on the loose and we got to catch it. So lets use normal formation. Owen, you make up a diagnosis for the alien that sounds so fake you'd think you got it off the back of a cereal box. Tosh, you stare at your computer screen. Tell us where the alien is even if its right in fron tof us. Ianto, you make us coffee and say funny one liners. Gwen, you stand there and look pretty. And if you get bored ask silly questions that you should know already since you've been working here for two years, that way we can try to explain to the audience just what the hell is going on." annouced Jack.

"What are you gonna do?" asked Gwen.

"What I always do. I'm gonna stand here, look dramatic, and make passes at everything,hot stuff." said Jack.

The alien burst into the hub.

"According to these these readings, the alien should be right in this room.' said Tosh.

"From the looks of the aliens gills, it appears to be a insomniac. If you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, it should fall asleep for three hours." said Owen.

Despite Owens already saying the impossibly long word the whole team attempted to say it.

"Supercalafrag..uh"said Tosh in defeat.

"Supercalifrag..." said Owen.

"Supercalifragili... crap" said Ianto

"Supercalifragalisticex...dang!" said Gwen.

"Supercalifragilisticexpaladocious!"said Jack triumphantly.

The alien fell asleep instantly. Jack and Tosh hauled the alien downstairs into the celluar.

"Jack,we still have half an hour left,and we already captured the alien." said Gwen

"That is a problem. I know! Gwen you can have a bunch of tosh melodarmatic moments then I'll show up and comfort you and tell its gonna be alright." said Jack.

"Ok!" said Gwen.


	2. Chapter 2

Another Day Another Alien

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Rated: T

Note: This chapters really short. And there is some cursing.

Tosh ran upstairs into the hub.

"The alien woke up and it's heading upstairs." said Tosh

"Ok team we'll use second formation. Owen say a string of curse words." ordered Jack

"Shit bloody hell damn bitch" said Owen

"What was that for?" asked Gwen.

"To let our viewers know that this is not a kids show. Gwen now say something Welsh" said Jack.

"Uh...daffodil?" said Gwen uncertainly." Why"

"Just in case they didn't pay attention to the cursing," informed Jack. "Ok we'll use second formation. Gwen, you get into a argument with Rhys then feel guilty about it. Tosh, you act shy and desperate. Owen, you act broody and depressed about something. And Ianto, just do what you do best, make coffee and say funny one liners. Lets go go go team!


	3. Chapter 3

Another Day Another Alien

Another Day Another Alien

Rated: T for later chapters.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Note: I was kind of bored when I wrote this story and the computer I was using to type it had a few busted keys, so please excuse any words that run together.

The alien ran upstairs into the hub.

"I will kill many people by tickling them to death with a feather duster! Ha ha ha!" said  
the alien. The alien then began to tickle Owen.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhhhhh" said Owen as he fell to the ground dead.

"Oh no the alien killed Owen! What do we do?!" asked Gwen.

"For gods sake Gwen! It's second formation! That means no more stupid questions! Oh well we're about to change formation anyway." said Jack "Third formation! Tosh, call up a ex-companion from our sister series Doctor Who. Gwen, figure out a way to stop the alien. Ianto, have sex with me so we can talk about it when the companion gets here." said Jack.

"Why do we need an ex Doctor Who companion?" asked Gwen. "And how are I gonna stop an alien by myself?! I can't even read a two page novel!"

"What part of no more stupid questions don't you understand?! We need the companion because we can't have a Owen comes back episode without a ex companion! You just can't!" said Jack."Ianto come with me to my office."

Two Hours Later

"Gwen, did you get rid of that alien?" asked Jack as walked out of his office. He was getting his shirt back on and his hair was messed up. Ianto followed close behind.

"Yeah I just gave him on of these." said Gwen as she held up a coupon for one free blowjob from any of the Torchwood staff." By the way Tosh he wants you to meet him outside of the Burger King on Daisy and Daffodil."

"Great! Tosh did you get in contact with that ex-companion like I told you to?" asked Jack.

"Well, I couldn't really find a companion that was free, because they were all doing crossovers with the Sarah Jane Adventures..."started Tosh.

"Damn that Sarah Jane! How does a show about thirteen year old brats get more viewers than us!? I mean come on! We have blood and sex! Kids love that stuff!" said Jack.

"Well I did manage to get someone..."started Tosh.

"Who?" asked Jack.

Just then the tenth doctor walked into the hub.

"Ello!" said the Doctor.


	4. Chapter 4

Another Day Another Alien

Another Day Another Alien

Rated: T for later chapters.

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Nor do I own Wikipedia or anything else.

Note: I was kind of bored when I wrote this story and the computer I was using to type it had a few busted keys, so please excuse any words that run together.

Credits: Ok I have to give credit to enzymion because she helped me come up with a really cool idea for this chapter. Thanks enzymion!

"Oh my god! It's the Doctor!" said Gwen.

"Oh don't act surprised Gwen!" said Jack. "We all know R.T. Davies was waiting until the shows viewer ratings hit two people and the occasional dog. That plus someone already posted the whole script for this episode on wikipedia." Said Jack

Tosh went onto wikipedia and looked up the episode. "How does Owen get laid in this episode when he's dead?!"

"Don't ask." Said Jack. " Fourth formation everyone! Gwen talk to the Doctor about me! Tell him I'm hot, but a complete mystery. The Doctor will then reveal a small piece of information that no one knew about me before. Tosh act sad. That way people on fan fiction sites will feel sorry for you, since you obviously have a secret love for Owen, then they'll write stories about you suddenly dating Owen. Ianto, talk to the Doctor about how we're shagging. Doctor we need you to come up with some elaborate plan to bring Owen back. One that involves alien technology, bad story lines, and random pairings."

"Quick question." Said the Doctor.

"What is with you people and the questions?" asked Jack.

"Yeah, How am I supposed to talk to talk to Gwen and Ianto, and then come up with this super awesome plan to bring back Owen, all within the next forty minutes?"

"Hey fixing plot holes is not my job." Said Jack.

"Then what is your job?" asked the Doctor.

"To stand, here look dramatic, and make passes at everything. While shagging things." Answered Jack.

"Riiight. See, this is why I don't do cross-overs." Said the Doctor.

"Well get moving!" said Jack.

"I swear Jack is incredibly hot. But, he's a complete mystery. " said Gwen. "He's like a secret agent or something. Tell me, what was he like when he was your companion?"

"Uhh…Well he tried to seduce one of my other companions. And he caused a plague." Answered the Doctor thoughtfully.

"Oh" said Gwen.

The Doctor continued to work on his ingenious device to bring back Owen.

"Hi!" said Ianto as he crept up behind the Doctor.

"Hello" said the Doctor, still recovering from the scare Ianto gave him.

"I'm sleeping with Jack" said Ianto.

"Good for you" said the Doctor.

"Are you almost done?"

"Uh, yeah."

"How does it work?"

"It's a super-cool-bringer-back-thingy" said the Doctor. "You just aim it and fire."

"Oh" said Ianto.

"Hey can you do me a favor?" asked the Doctor.

"Sure." Said Ianto.

"Remind me to fire whatever agent booked me for this cross-over." Said the Doctor.


	5. Chapter 5

Another Day Another Alien

Another Day Another Alien

Rated: T

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Note: I honestly don't think this was the funniest of my chapters.

The Torchwood team gathered around in the morgue where Owens dead body was being stored.

"Stand back" said the Doctor as he aimed his super-cool-bringer-back-thingy at Owen. "This could be dangerous."

The others did as they were told, standing three feet away from the Doctor and his machine. The doctor took aim, and fired the super-cool-bringer-back-thingy.

Owen was engulfed in a light green ray. After a few seconds the ray disappeared and nothing happened, but the suddenly Owen came back to life.

"I'm alive!" exclaimed Owen as he got up from the morgue table.

"Yes. You're alive. But life is meaningless and the world is a deep pit of despair." Said the Doctor.

"What?" said Ianto looking confused.

"Sorry. Emo moment. Happens at least once every episode." Said the Doctor.

"Ok, fifth formation." Said Jack getting down to business. "Ianto, act extremely nice to Owen. Tosh, start flirting with Owen. Owen, act really depressed about having just died. Gwen, do nothing. And Doctor…"

"No." interrupted the Doctor. "No more formations! I've done your stinking crossover and I've brought back your friend. I'm tired and my heads about to explode from all the f-ing plot-holes! I'm going back to the TARDIS and I'm going back to my show!"

"But we haven't even gotten to the random pairing yet." Whined Jack.

"I don't care!" said the Doctor.

"Well fine be that way!" said Jack.

The Doctor then exited the hub.

"We don't need him" said Jack.

Just then the Daleks entered the hub.

"You shall be…Exterminated!" said one of the Daleks.

"Doctor we need you" called Jack.


	6. Chapter 6

Another Day Another Alien

Another Day Another Alien

Rated: T for later chapters.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Note: I'm putting my actual note at the bottom so I don't spoil the chapter.

The doctor walked back into the morgue. "What now!?" he asked.

"You shall be exterminated!" said a Dalek.

"Not you again. Don't you things ever die?" asked the Doctor.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" said another Dalek as it shot Jack.

"Ouch! That Fing hurt!" He yelled.

"Jack watch your language!" said the Doctor.

"Don't worry Doctor. This is a adult show. We're allowed to curse and have sex with stuff so long as we pretend like it feeds the non existing plot." Said Jack.

"Oh" said the Doctor.

The Dalek then shot Owen with it's death-ray.

"That's twice this week!" said Owen as he died.

"Look, will you stop shooting people if I sell you Rose?" asked the Doctor.

"Throw in a hour with Ianto and you've got a deal." Said another Dalek.

"Deal!" said the Doctor.

The Daleks then left with Ianto.

"Suckers!" said the Doctor ."I was willing to sell them Rose, Ianto, and Martha!"

"Well, I guess this means your off." Said Jack.

"Yep. See ya losers!" said the Doctor as he walked off to his TARDIS.

EnD

Note: So I'm considering writting a new story that picks up right after the Doctor leaves Torchwood. Please review and tell me what you think of this idea. Feel free to leave any suggestions for the new story and tittle ideas.


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